Monday, December 28, 2009

A Jolly Dammit Holiday

I would love to share some pictures of the kids opening presents, or of the historic blizzard which kept us home-bound all holiday weekend, but I can't. It seems someone has crammed playdough into my USB cable for my camera, and it is not currently functioning. So...I shall blab on without the any visual aids.

I don't know why I bothered to decorate for Christmas this year. A two year old, a one year old, and a puppy all reside at my house, and the mission of each is to spend every waking moment destroying one thing or other. I thought I could get away with putting non-breakable ornaments on the tree. bwahahahahaha. The kids and the puppy had a team effort of removing them from the tree, even climbing a chair to reach the un-reachable ornaments, then flinging them on the floor for the puppy to chew.

I had a foot tall Santa doll perched on the dining table. The kids waited until Christmas day to get him, and break his neck. Jason asked: "What happened to Santa?"
"They broke his neck, but I think I can fix it."
"Did somebody not get what they wanted for Christmas."
A few minutes later Gunther strolled through the living room carrying Santa's dis-embodied head. If I can't repair it, then perhaps I can turn it into a Halloween decoration. Think positive.

Oh, and we strung lights around our porch, but the puppy thought that the bulbs looked like tasty snacks, and broke any lights within his reach. If ANYBODY wants a puppy, I will pay you ten bucks to take him.

To top things off, a blizzard blew in early Christmas Eve. I have been stuck in the house with two bored babies, a destructive puppy, two flatulent hound dogs and an antsy husband. Going outside to feed the animals was a welcome break even in the 63 mph wind gusts and frigid temps.

Our power was on and off for a couple days. We had no power Christmas morning, got it back, then lost it again. It sucked, but at least the kids had plenty of toys to distract them from the fact that we couldn't watch t.v. or eat hot food.

Oh....and Jason got his work truck stuck in a seven foot snow drift on Christmas eve, and had to walk a quarter of a mile in a blizzard to get home. He carried his case of cherry coke, and my case of diet coke the whole way. God bless him! I may have had a breakdown and stabbed someone (most likely a puppy) had I had to endure the holiday without my canned diet crack.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Locked Out

A few nights ago, I attempted to sneak out to feed the animals. It was almost dark and Jason would be late coming home from work.Usually I would take the kids out with me, but it was bitter cold and we were all recovering from the flu.` I put the kids in front of the t.v. with some snacks, and slid out the door with the baby monitor in hand, so that I might hear any real catastrophes. There is a reason why single mothers don't have hobby farms, it just doesn't work. When I returned from my chores a few minutes later, the side door was locked. I went around to the front door, and it too was locked. Barrett was smiling at me through the window.
"Barrett! Turn the lock. I can't get in." I made turning motions with my hand and pointed at the door.
Barrett laughed.
I kept my eye on the situation through the windows while I filled some water buckets for the animals with the hose. I was hoping that Jason might just drive up at any second, and the problem would be resolved. Gunther was walking around, crying a bit, but he would stop crying when I talked to him through the window. Every time I banged on the door, Barrett would laugh. Oh, and did I mention it was about twenty degrees outside?

I finally came to terms with the fact that Jason was not going to pull up and rescue me. I had to break into my house. I walked around the house, and sized up which window would be easiest to open, or break. Most of the windows have an inner and outer window, and are not easy to breech. I remembered that Dan had broken the inner window in my bedroom recently, while yelling at a plastic bag blowing through the yard.Seriously. So, I would only have to open one window there. I got in pretty easily. Jason had left the ladder out for my convenience.

When I came in, Barrett acted as if I had been out having a fun adventure. Since I had left, he had removed his pants and his diaper. He had also pulled a stool up to the kitchen counter and had turned ON A BURNER. It was fortunate that he had only burned the bottom of my mashed potatoes and not lit the house on fire. He had also dropped some miscellaneous utensils into the the two pans that I had on the stove. I was in the process of cooking dinner when I went out to do my chores. I made sure to turn the stove off, but Barrett seemed sure that I had made a mistake. might guess that I will not leave my house without a key ever again.

Monday, December 14, 2009

My 09 Music List

I have been very excited about this list for weeks. I have been drafting it in my head while vacuuming, or doing dishes. I like to pretend that the world has been holding it's breath, waiting for me to name my top ten favorites songs of 09. In reality, I know that no one really gives a flying f%#* about my opinion. Will that stop me from sharing it? Nope.

1. "Home" by Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros
2. "Sun Hands" by Local Natives
3. "Compulsion" by Doves
4. "Fangela" by Here We Go Magic
5."All the Kings Men" by Wild Beasts
6. "Ready, Able" by Grizzly Bear
7. "Silver Trembling Hands" by The Flaming Lips
8."Winter Games" by Foreign Born
9. "Shelia" by Atlas Sound
10. "It Ain't Gonna Save Me" by Jat Reatard

As far as albums go, I won't make a list. I will say that my fellow Okies, The Flaming Lips, knocked that ball out of the park this year with "Embryonic". Also, Doves made a wonderful, very listenable album, "Kingdom of Rust". My boys in Grizzly Bear also made another fanfuckintastic album: "Veckatimest".
This was the year of mellow. What I wish for from 2010 are some dancing tunes.

If you have five minutes to kill, you should really watch/listen to this. I promise you won't regret it.

Friday, December 11, 2009

A Good Trade

Jason sold one of his vehicles. This came only after he had replaced it with a new ride. He drove an old Jeep truck home from the junkyard. After this event he said to me: "It's always interesting when you are driving something out of the junkyard."
I don't think I have ever known anyone else who would EVER say this. It's a phrase unique to Jason.

Here is the junkyard prize.
He traded it for some miscellaneous car part he had no use it was essentially free.
Since Jason had a new "firewood truck", he no longer needed "Super Turd", his old firewood truck, he made the decison to part with Super Turd. I had to hold back my tears (If you can't sense my sarcasm then there is something wrong with you).
Here is our beloved Super Turd, who left us on a trailer a couple weeks ago. I will give Jason credit for making a 200% profit on her.

What did we do with that profit? We bought a 47 inch, glorious, new t.v.!!! My life has been more fulfilling and meaningful for a whole eight days now.
LCD TV 3 Pictures, Images and Photos
bye bye crappy truck = hello pretty t.v. = happy Audrey

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Walking Baby

I almost forgot....Gunther, or BoBo as he has been dubbed by Barrett, started walking about two weeks ago. Feast your eyes!!

The racket you hear in the background is Dan howling incessantly at a barn cat.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Pilfered Cake is the Tastiest

My birthday was this past weekend, and my parents were kind enough to get me a cake. They got me a three-layered chocolate cake coated with chocolate shavings to be specific. It was darn tasty.
I left the cake on the counter after cutting a slice for Jason. (Jason and the boys ate waaay more of my cake than I did, and for that I am grateful.) The lovely confection was covered in one of those plastic cake-dome thingies, so I figured it was safe for a bit. When I went to put it back in the fridge a little while later, I noticed that one side of the cake had been vandalized. My first suspect was Dan, our food-obsessed coonhound. Then I thought: "how could Dan get the lid back on?", and I looked down to notice that the stand we use for the dog bowls (it's better to feed big dogs on a raised surface) had been moved across the kitchen. A three-foot tall terrorist had used this tool to make himself about four and a half feet tall, thus big enough to reach a cake, swipe some icing, then replace the lid. If only he hadn't left his "step stool" by the counter he may have gotten away with it. Barrett is only two and a half, and is already a criminal mastermind. I worry about what the future holds...
He's good at looking like he is inncocent, but I don't buy it.